No matter how much we want our lives to be perfect and stress free, we inevitably find ourselves in a situation where our faith and will are tested by God.
During the 19th week of my pregnancy, we learned at an ultrasound appointment that our baby girl has a rare genetic abnormality called ectrodactyly- she is missing fingers and toes. It was a complete shock for both Jet and I.
We were rushed right away to see the genetic counsellors and the head of the genetics department, Dr. Chitayat. In that meeting- while crying and still feeling numb, they explained the case, other possible conditions and the options that we had. Our initial reaction and decision was to terminate the pregnancy, since we didn't want her to suffer. I remember Tonicci seeing us cry so much that evening. He went to bed almost crying as well. We tried to explain the situation to him as best as we could. We were already grieving for her.
That night, as Jet was sleeping beside me, I began my research on ectrodactyly on the internet. The information I read just heightened my fear and anxiety- until I stumbled on this blog by a mother who adopted a child with the same condition. She was describing how she felt lucky to have this child, and how she continues to bring so much joy into their lives. She also talked about how she could not fathom the fact that the biological mother could abandon her own child just like that. Her words spoke and affected me so much that I had to wake up Jet and make him read as well.
We decided to postpone the termination procedure to give us more time to think. The fear of the unknown was just so tremendous that I spent three weeks feeling so depressed, anxious, angry and devastated. Jet on the other hand came to accept the situation earlier than I did. He wanted to go through with the pregnancy. On the other hand, I was lost and confused- I couldn't decide on what to do. I don't think I've ever prayed so hard in my life. I prayed for God's answer so many times throughout the day.
We did everything that we could to gather as much information to help arrive at a decision. I underwent an amniocentises procedure, a second ultrasound, had a meeting with a hand surgeon, as well as a therapist who our baby would see should we decide to continue the pregnancy. Despite all this- my fear intensified by the day, and I again finally decided to schedule another abortion procedure. The procedure was supposed to be on a Tuesday.
A day before the procedure, after awakening from my sleep at dawn (which usually happens), I again decided to pray. That changed eveything for me. For the first time since we found out about her condition, I felt God's peace and comfort. I made the decision to continue on with the pregnancy and have not waivered since.
As parents, we only want the best for our children. When I learned that she is missing fingers and toes, I was devastated because she wouldn't be perfect. But what's perfection anyway?We are all flawed. Hers are just easily seen. When I feared that her condition would prevent from her from having a good life, our doctor said her future prospects hinged on our parenting. If we had a positive attitude and created the best possible environment for her- then she would have as much a chance of becoming anything she'd want to be, as would any other normal child born without deformities.
Termination would have been the easier route to take- and eliminating the fear of the unknown was too convenient. But we choose to honour God's will. Yes, I will not hide the fact that there are still fears every now and then- but we would just revert back to prayer and take a leap of faith. There is nothing more that we can do from here on. It's all in His hands. We have accepted the situation and see her now as a blessing. And you do not say no to a blessing
Last week we had our third ultrasound and it feels so good to see her again. We feel so much love for her. We got to see her hands and feet as well. We continue to pray that God will just continue to bless her and extend her a miracle in any way possible.
To our dearest Anna Tinsley-someday you will get to read this blog. Please know that all our thoughts and decisions were done and based out of complete love for you. We just want you to know that you will always be the greatest love of our lives and we will always be here to hold your hand as you face life. You have nothing to fear because you are blessed. Daddy, mommy and Tonicci love you so much.
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| her ultrasound picture on my 28th week of pregnancy |
